CAN SOME ONE KILL ME PLEASE



I think perhaps like mother said
i am not a good person after all
not who i make myself to be
a selfless person
but a tiny selfish motherfucker
someone who diregards every body else
and only cares for himself
YES i think i am

have i changed after my prison stay?
at first i would like to think yes
but now
hardly....
if what mother says is true
then i am the same person now
that i was then

so who am i?

if i am the same person
then i should not deserve all that she has done
why does she make me feel so
so..... fucked?

when ever we talk
it always ends in a shouting match

i am the devil
i am satan's spawn

perhaps that is why i keep putting christian tattoos on my body
perhaps this is my way of washing myself clean
maybe i just want to escape from this life
its not that it is not a good life

i got may jobs waiting for me once i finish my schooling
i got food on the table
just need to come back early enough for it
i got a parent supporting me through school
another parent is my listening ear
trucks loads of good friends
girlfriend

but still i feel the same loneliness inside me
eating me alive
today i just had another fight with mother
she made me realise that i AM a horrible person
i should die for that

came into my room
switched on the com
and suddenly had this urge to just jump out of the window
managed to surpress that unbearable urge to make like superman and fly
sat down to blog this

now i got this tickling sensation on my wrist
itchy itchy scratchy scratchy
the kind of feeling that just makes you wanna slit it


END IT ALL NOW
SEND ME TO HELL


am i a devil?
am i satan's spawn?



why do i feel like i will never belong?

i mean to do the things that i have to right
but some how or another i always seem to fuck things up


story "o my life........

GOTHIC goth?


I think dark thoughts....
Green said that denise was emmo just coz she spoke a certain way
or just coz she felt a certain way about a situation
then what does that make me?

I think dark thoughts every second
i love the notion of blood... fights.... of pain
in some way i welcome my own death
in some way i look towards it...
i feel different from others
not better or worse than others
just different
the way that i think
the things that i hold close to my heart
just different
like i was made for something else than this everyday toil
i yearn for the darkness of the night
the solitude that it brings me

so what am i?
who am i
i always thought that i was a loner
but turns out im not
.....
i just like moments of silence


am i goth?

i dont paint my face
dont color my lips
nor my nails....

i dont drink blood
nor do i chant un-known spells into the night

i just sit alone at night
facing my computer
thinking dark thoughts of death and life
of darkness and pain
of love and lust....
of hate and joy........

am i that different?

IS IT SO COMPLICATED THIS LIFE?






















































































































































































































































WISH I COULD END IT

ALL THAT SHE SAYS

yes

you heard it right

PeiPing and i are together again
this time she promises to be good
right now things are looking up on this relationship
still i keep getting these guilty flashes
wonder what would have happened if......

Na .....
no more ifs ....

live for today is what i say

I HAVE GREAT FRIENDS

they supported me throught this bloody ordeal

withstood all my crap!

thanks a bunch people!

i may be no angel
but still they stood by me
GREAT people these friends!

To you who you know who you are
thanks for those few days!
made me feel great
thought we were not together
still you treated me real great!
hope that you did have at least some fun!

Now that she says that she'll change
i really want this to work out
the days that have just passed seen her really different
more tolerant of my vices
more understanding of who i am
rather than who she wants me to be

IF this is no show
then this is the way that things should have been!

Both relationships equally real
both with lots of possibilities
both from the heart
some men would kill to have it....
not me though
my head still aches!

still
i wonder
............................................
fuck la...
no more wondering..........

The Fight Song


nothing suffocates you more than the passing of everyday human events

isolation is the oxygen mask

you make your children breath into survive

but i'm not a slave to a god that doesn't exist

but i'm not a slave to world that doesn't give a shit

and when we were good you just closed you eyes

so when we are bad we're going to scar your minds





fight, fight, fight, fight





you'll never grow up to be a big-rock-star-celebrated-victim-of-your-fame

they'll just cut our wrists like cheap coupons and say that death was on sale today

and when we were good you just closed you eyes

so when we are bad we're scar your minds

but i'm not a slave to a god that doesn't exist

but i'm not a slave to world that doesn't give a shit

the death of one is a tragedy,

the death of one is a tragedy

the death of one is a tragedy,

but death of a million is just a statistic

(chorus)



fight, fight, fight, fight








GOD


DOSENT


EXIST ?

I loath this feeling within me
like a lost puppy i stumble
from one place to another
my hearts numb
sore from the recent battles
i long to hold what should not be mine
yet the past hold me to her
like a baby on its lifeline
nature taking its course
fuck i dont care
what can make this whole thing better
why do i feel so horrid
when life should be simple and great
am i a soul trapped in a monster's body
or a monster within a tainted soul
pretending to be who i am not
laying claim on all that i taint
letting go of what i long for
accepting that which longs for me
wondering if the i follow the road thats mine
or if i have stumbled off the better path in life

I AM A BASTARD

I posted a flame the other day

i was quite pissed la

and i am truely sorry about it
i know its not the way to do things
but i got carried away

Look i am human too

i make mistakes

TOOK IT OFF

ashamed of it

so i'm gonna do what a man has to do


SORRY ALAN!

14th FEB 2002
together

14th FEB 2003
together but still apart.... NS la

14th FEB 2004
together... but arrested on 13th FEB 0100 am

14th FEB 2005
together... but incarcerated

14th FEB 2006
together ... supposed to be released but TAMBA 2 months...

14th FEB 2007
appart.... but together on this night......

time changes all things.....

time changes a person

time changes a relationship

time is a real mother fucker

bent to twist us all.....

somethings are meant to change.....

.........

Switched groups yesterday without consulting janet

I CANT STAND IT WHEN PEOPLE SHOUT AT ME!!!!!
especially if its about group work
sure i have not been to many meetings
but i have reasons
sure i turned up half smashed at one meeting
but at least i came....

and its not as if i have nothing else better to do
than to delay our prokect time
it's my project too right
i know i must make some sacrifices
and i do >...
i will just ask RUL

YOU dont shout at team mates
this is not primary school
right?

But thats now over
he's said sorry
But too late
as i have said
i treat you with respect till you fuck me over
dont worry la
your no longer in my shit list though
because you did take the first step to close this "war"
but still i now know who you are

Any way back to yesterday
worked till i-dunnoe-what-time last night
had a little sleep around 2 plus i think?
awoke to 98.7fm semi blasting from the radio
OK
perhaps it was not blasting
but at that ungodly hour
it sure seemed like it was blasting!
Wanted to sleep somemore
but the rest were doin work
so not so nice if i went back to sleep la

went to school for a really horrible evaluation
seemed like we were the only ones with nothing to show
felt really paiseh la!
hope this will never happen again
must strive better to get great grades!!!!
RUDDY NANA POPO RUL VIET SHAZ we can do it!

Rudz left after the lesson
part of me wanted to just up and go like him
(go back to my comfty bed that is)
But cant la
my fav. class was next
PHOTOGRAPHY!!!!

Great fun there doing a pin-hole camera
sounds like kids stuff but really it's FUCKING COOL!

Wanted to take a pic with our whole clique today
the pin-hole way
but Rudz was not around
RUL and DIAH wanted to do their own stuff
so me cher cher , nana and popo took our photos old fashion style
had to stay in place for like 3 plus mins lo
but still the photo came out quite under developed
must have been the lighting la
BLAME IT ON THE SUN!!!!

you with your bloody fucking mood swings
i know your my mother but fuck
this is how you turned me into what i am
you say that i have changed
perhaps its from the realisation that you have not changed a single bit
unlike your promises to me when i was in prison
you said everything is better
you sounded so bloody sweet
i tried to believe it
i really did
but what did i see when i got out
you turned my brother against my father
you tried to turn me against him too
you want our love
you make me sick
tell you the truth
i am only here because i want to get my future on track again
i want to have an education
you say that i skip school often
yes i do
especially this week
you think only you are sad about grandma.
fuck you
she is my kin too
i feel too
i've been so bloody burned out
yet i force myself to school
this week i was so burned out
i need to relax a bit
cant i
i do my projects
i wanna do them
i long for school to start during the holidays
what the fuck is wrong with you
you keep saying that i have changed
maybe i have
so what the fuck i am satan
so what the fuck
KILL ME LA
any way i wanna die
no problem here lor
i WANNA DIE
you hear me BITCH
i WANNA DIE
KILL ME
I WANNA DIE
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
MOTHERFUCKING HELLL KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME

C DAY
start the revolution!
the crowd at school's open house
was not what i had in mind
spent like 4 to 5 hours there today
did some of my 3d work
but at the same time was checking out the crowd
nothing special happened today
except i got to draw on this sticker
which is now pasted on the C revolution wall in school
(NEXT TO THE ADMIN OFFICE)
i did something really ...........
well you guys know what i am like right
so just go check it out and i'm sure you'll
know which one is mine....
had a really really heart to heart talk again
with PP
time to really take a look at our relationship
she asked me if i had ever thought of just leaving
i said i did coz i was so restricted by her
but of late things have been slightly better


but after so long
now i think back over the last few months
has she been at fault all the time?
or have i been to blame?
could it be that we are growing so far apart?
i admit that there are times when i no longer know what i want
but is that what i really feel?


i hate to be the bastard
but it seems that i have already become one
somehow or another i have become a different person
altogether
who have i become i no longer know
people have asked me
how come my blog is full of such negative stuff
when in fact i seem so cheerful on the outside


the answer is because ....
im not a very happy person
in truth i am fucking bitter

and i have become worst

who am i
where has that little boy gone?
dead i think
with a monster to take his place

i dont think i'd want to burdern anyone else
should i change again.....

for the worst i mean

this darkness somehow wont go away

it eats me


there are times that i look back at my history
and i find myself asking
not how could i have avoided becoming bad
but rather how could i have handled the fights
the gang stuff better
that i would be a different person altogether

at night when others dream of wet stuff
i find myself transported back to the old days

somehow i thirst for blood

the other day i would have really kicked that bugger at powerstation

hell i wanted to
i felt the thirst


is it really in my blood....

dont think theres much left for me

today i ask myself
am i really happy now
with the life that i have>?

the answer is .... i dont know

school is fine
having nothing to be afraid is good too

but the night is still mine to live

i am still a creature of it
i spawned from its darkness
and it will forever be a part of me
im sure of that

they say that when your white
you'll always be white
but once you've been into black ink
no matter how long you try
you will always be black


i feel the blackness in my soul
perhaps the river will claim me soon

am i happy?

will i bring her happiness>

or will our relationship be shits...

its all up to me to decide...................